Yesterday

Yesterday I was the Sistine Chapel before it was painted. Yesterday, I was nothing, a mess, a blob of paint that looked like someone threw up the rainbow. But today, something happened and I will never be a blob again.

Have you ever wondered what Michaelangelo was thinking? I feel like when someone said to him, “Paint something great” and he accepted the job, he had no idea what was going to come to him. He started and then just said, “what the heck am I painting”. It was frustrating and stressful and he probably wanted to give up on the first day. But then someone clicked. It was this moment of inspiration, this time in his work where he decided to not work at it but just paint and let it flow.

When he finished, it was more than he wanted. It was more than what he saw in the beginning and all because he stopped trying and just put everything he had into the paint brush. He let his head go and let his heart free from anything that hindered him.

I am both the painter and the painting. I am holding the paintbrush and yesterday, I had NO clue what to paint. I was stressed and got a big blob of colors together to try and make it into something that is wasn’t supposed to be. But today, I let my head and my heart go and let everything in me give in to realizing who I am. I am complete and I know who I am and where I’m going so I want to create a masterpiece BY MYSELF. It is not only what I need to do, but what I have to do.

When he was painting, he became what he painted. I guarantee it. I am my painting. Yesterday I was a mess of colors that made no sense, and I was a painter that had cried too many tears over too many failed paintings. But today, I have no tears. Today I am finishing the beautiful ceiling of my life so that when I look up I remember that I am capable and able to feel complete and accomplished on my own.

So yesterday it was a Picasso gone wrong. I was more like “The Scream”. But today, I am the painter and the painting I can be proud of and look back at a hard but worth it task. Today made my career and who I can see myself to be. Who knows what tomorrow will bring…but it will be beautiful no matter what.

Love is Blind

Everyone around me thinks I’m crazy, off my rocker, should be committed. I know better though, but that’s also what the crazy people say. I’ve chosen to pursue the impossible. I’ve decided to love someone that doesn’t love me back. To me it’s not impossible though, and I’m not giving up until I go home a winner.

Sometimes beating the odds is the most exciting part. Knowing that no one is backing me or cheering for me or is hopeful that I’m going to be successful, makes it more of a challenge. What most people don’t know is that challenges don’t scare me, but they motivate me to win.

My mother thinks I’m going to get hurt. Honestly, I don’t know that hurt can be cut out of the equation. Let’s face it, he doesn’t love me. However, if I rise above the hurt, I might come out on the other side and never remember the hurt. I think the cheesy line “follow your heart” is what applies to my life right now.

Nothing in this is logical. Nothing makes sense to my brain. But when I hear my heart pushing me forward to keep believing for something that seems impossible but that I feel isn’t, I’m motivated to fight again. My head has won my whole life, but now it’s time to give my heart a chance.

I have the vision of a horse. No peripheral vision, just tunnel vision. I can only see that which I want to press forward to. I can only see the finish line and I want to win. I want to be the one that is loved at the end of the day by the one who I lose my breath over. I want him to finally look at me instead of looking over me. My heart skips a beat for him, and I would rather have an arithmia the rest of my life being around him, instead of having a broken heart without him.

So commit me to the loony bin, take me away and put me in the room with the padded walls. I would rather be seen as crazy than seen as someone who never followed her heart or took a chance on love.

“And all of my friends think I’m crazy for loving you

But they don’t know there’s nothing else I can do

And it’s too bad cause love is blind”

Unthinkable

Risk. Russian Roulette. Clue. All those games are games that you have to take chances and risk what you think you are to do so that you have a chance at winning. Risking your life in Russian Roulette is one thing that I don’t know if I will ever try, but the risk of it is what I’m ready for.

I’m going to take a risk. I’m going after something that I have tried to escape too many times before and it’s time I stop running. I want to fly, I want to be extraordinary, and I want to experience the life I deserve.

Taking chances sucks. There is no easy way to gamble and know you’re going to win unless you cheat. I honestly think that I would rather risk and lose than play it safe and never know whether I would have won or lost.

I’m risking everything I’ve planned and hoped and dreamed and going all in on something that I’m not sure of, but I feel like if you never try you never know.

I think sometimes in life fear drives us to different things. It drives us to run, it drives us to be great, and it drives us to jump off the edge of what we fear the most. I think this fear is the healthy kind that makes us want to face things that we couldn’t imagine facing but that we are curious to know what would happen if we didn’t ever face it. I want to jump and fly and not hit the ground. If I do hit the ground, the time that I jumped is totally worth it. It’s the leap that’s exciting. It’s the knowing that you faced your fears, and it’s the fact that you did the impossible or at least attempted to.

This risk may set me back months and years, but the possibility that it might speed my life up a few years and help me fly higher is more exciting than anything else I can think of. What are you willing to risk?

If  you’re scared, imagine your life without the fear. Imagine yourself on the other side of that fear and think of what it would be like. If you like that thought, take a chance and face the fear. If you don’t like that thought, than think of yourself not facing your what you’re scared of  in the long run and maximize whatever fear you have now times ten. If you don’t like that thought, than it’s time to take a risk.

No matter how painful, scary, miserable, insufferable it seems, what’s on the other side of the risk makes it worth while. Whether you fly or fall, you jumped. And that jump means you’re on the other side of something. And the other side is farther than you were before you took the risk. So the question is: Are you going to do the unthinkable and jump?

“If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy
Or would it be so beautiful either way I’m sayin’
If you ask me I’m ready
Why give up before we try
Feel the lows before the highs
Clip our wings before we fly away
I can’t say I came prepared
I’m suspended in the air
Won’t you come be in the sky with me”

-Alicia Keys

Who I am

As usual, my feelings are best expressed from a song. This is by Nick Jonas and the Administration and I can’t use any other words to describe how torn I am and what I’m feeling.

I want someone to love me
For who I am
I want someone to need me
Is that so bad?
I wanna break all the madness
But it’s all I have
I want someone to love me
For who I am

Nothing makes sense, nothing makes sense anymore
Nothing is right, nothing is right when you’re gone
I’m losing my breath, I’m losing my right to be wrong
I’m frightened to death, I’m frightened that I won’t be strong

I’m shaking it off, I’m shaking off all of the pain.
Breaking my heart, breaking my heart once again

Heartbreak Warfare

Sometimes I’m not sure that I like the cyclical process of life. I don’t like that what I was once trying to move on from, is again staring me in the face. I can’t get rid of it, and it is like a leech on my brain. I feel that a part of growing up is knowing when to dwell on certain issues and when to let go. Maybe I haven’t mastered that, but I feel like I’ve tried to let go and move on from hurt, from the past, and certain things that have brought me down. However, those things keep creeping up as if to say they are not going to hurt me this time, if I just give them a second chance.

Growing up is very difficult. I’m realizing that when I’m not satisfied with what’s going on with my life even though on the outside I seem to have more than I could imagine, it’s because I’m wrestling with the fact where I’m supposed to be is not where I want to be. I’m very stubborn in letting in what is susceptible to hurting me and I want to have hope that something amazing will happen for me but my invisible wall is so high and made of steel, that if I built a window, someone could use their weapons to hurt me again.

This is where I am. I don’t want to be alone. It royally sucks to sit at home knowing that no one is thinking about you on the other side of town. But to let someone in that I have tried to let in before is nearly impossible to wrap my head around. So I’m at a crossroads: do I try once again something that seems inconceivably impossible or so I keep my wall high and closed so that no one ever hurts me again? I know what I want to do and what I should do are always at war, and I want the war to stop.

Either I stay at war, or I risk the heart break. I guess only time will tell.

Drop his name
Push it in and twist the knife again
Watch my face
As I pretend to feel no pain

Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It’s heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin,
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare.

If you want more love,
why don’t you say so?
If you want more love,
why don’t you say so?

Come Back to Me

Come back to me…

Be my safety again. Show me what it is like to love again. Be the one who keeps me safe and warm and lets me sleep at night in the crook of your arm. Let me be yours again. Look at me. Turn around and look at me.

Come back to me because I’m who you want. Want me because I’m irresistible. Love me because no one else is worth loving but me. Hold me because without my touch you will turn to stone. Hold me and love me and just touch me the way you used to.

Go back to the way it used to be. Tell me of a time when love knew no boundaries and time stood still. Tell me the stories when we were young and you used to look at me across the room and just know that I was worth looking at. Show me the pictures of you and I holding hands and spending all of our holidays together. Show me and tell me of the days when we were happy and there were no complications and love had no end.

Love me until the end. Don’t ever let me go. Even though we fell apart and faces became faint and voices became an echo, you are still there. In my mind, in my soul, you are there. I can’t feel you anymore, and you can’t love me anymore, but I know you still. So come back to me. Until I take my last breath I want you to show me, hold me, tell me, turn to me so you can come back to me. And never let go again.

Untitled

How do you know when you’re hurt? Honestly, I think I’ve been shot but I don’t feel the pain of the bullet.  I can see enough blood to want to do something, but I only see the whole scene in slow motion.

I gave up loving the one that made my heart accelerate. I now feel something for someone who feels nothing in return. I’m constantly wrecking the train that I’m conducting. I seem to make two wrong turns for every right one.

I’m lost. I’m not sure where I’m going or what I need to be looking for. When I was shot and was bleeding, I didn’t know if I wanted to get better or not. It was like the blood kept me going; it kept me stumbling on. And now, I can’t feel the pain. I’m numb. I’ve chosen to ignore my pain to the point that I am digging in my own wounds. I’m not sure where to go, because the darkness knows no light.

How do I love when love has brought me death? How do I feel when feeling has brought me pain? Breathing seems breathless. I need to call 911, but no one can fix the internal damage that I’ve done.

As I look to the person trying to get me help, I look to see that in my hand is the gun that put the bullet in my heart. It was in my hand all along. I pulled the trigger, and I made me bleed.

It’s over. I see white. Go towards it, because there is nothing left to say. Live or die, I decide, but either way it won’t be easy.

Dreamin’ with a broken heart

I woke up this morning nearing a cold sweat. I had a dream that I was marrying someone else because I had no chance with the person I was in-love with . I woke up thinking that most of this dream was true. It is the fact that I have to let go of this man because he does not belong to me. Even if he does see me, he can’t act and I still can’t breathe around him. It’s not a winning situation simply due to the fact that I have to be the one to walk away.

Love stinks. Every morning I wake up thinking that he won’t be there at the end of the day. I saw how he looked at me this weekend, and it made me hurt more. We can’t be together, and I can’t be around him anymore. I’m leaving my heart with him. He can have it because no else deserves it. Maybe that’s what love is. It’s the feelings and emotions that are left with the person that you can’t stop thinking about. The person that you can’t imagine your life without.

He’s the one. He’s the person I will either spend the rest of my life with or the person that I will love the rest of my life and never know his love in return. All I know is, I will wake up tomorrow morning knowing that he’s not there.

“When you’re dreamin’ with a broken heart

The wakin’ up is the hardest part.”

Words

Someone once said, “There is life and death in the power of the tongue”. It is so incredibly true. One moment you can be on top of the world, and the next, you can feel darkness plaguing your thoughts all by one word. I experienced that tonight. I tasted that darkness tonight and am feeling the darkness more and more every day.

I am not someone who gets offended easily. I am quick to confront, but not because I am offended, but because I like to resolve issues before they explode into bigger ones. However, when someone who you think loves you, tears you to shreds with their words all because you did something they deem obnoxious, it stings more than the tip of a spear piercing your heart.

I was innocent this time, it was nothing. Yet, their anger spilled out on me and I was ripped in two to be used as their daily punching bag. It’s happened before, and when I stand up for myself, it adds oil to the fire.

I cried tonight. Not tears of disappointment or failure, but the tears of the stinging pain that causes me to feel like less than a human. It made me realize that the words I use effect more than just the day, but a person’s well being. I am going to watch my words because now I know the wrong side of how words should be communicated.

The moral of the story, what you say goes so much deeper than you think and penetrates to the innermost parts of someone. I experienced pain tonight, but now I know that there is freedom in knowing that I can change the way I speak. I never want to be someone that hurts like I was hurt. Words are sharper than a jungle machete, so watch who you whack.

“Sticks and stones
May break my bones
Your words they surely kill
(meant to be broke down)
Surely kill
Your words are breaking down now”

The Scientist

As I quickly approach the beginning of school, I realize that my life is more together than I thought it was. Not to say that I’m breezing by everyone else, but I’m grateful for where I am and the plans that have smoothly been put together. I am embarking on a new adventure into teaching and I couldn’t be more excited. Honestly, the shift between childhood and adulthood was fast and forced, but I love adulthood because it gives me a voice. I once wrote a couple of weeks ago that I did not think I was a woman yet, but I think that I am learning what a woman is by experiencing life the way a woman would.

Life is not rocket science. It is simply setting goals and having dreams and actually chasing those dreams. It is becoming who you want to become and pursuing more. I was able to teach and start a profession that to me is not work but a privilege. Now, I’m planning for the next step. For graduate school and a possible goal of another profession down the line. If you keep planning, it keeps you at your best.

Tonight a window opened for me. A window that I focused on for too long and when I finally let it go, it happened. It was like releasing a bird from my grasp, and yet, it came back to me. I’m grateful because there is nothing that I could have done to make that bird come back if I told it to, but because I let it go of its own free will, it came home.

I think sometimes we treat ourselves as scientist. We are always investigating and planning to make a way for things to specifically happen the way we want it to. Most of the time, our hypotheses are wrong. And yet, we test it again thinking it was something we did. I think that if half the scientist just stepped back and took a breath, they could see the big picture and finally get the results they wanted. Same thing with us. We can’t control the way everything will turn out, but if we let go a little more, the dreams and the goals we have will get fulfilled one way or another.

I like knowing what will happen, but I love seeing the way I got to each point in my life when I didn’t know. There are certain we will look back and be more grateful that the story was written for us then when we tried to write it for ourselves.

The point is, chase your dreams, but don’t pencil them in. It isn’t up to us about the steps we take to get there, but the journey that got us there in retrospect. Don’t try to be a scientist (unless your profession calls for that), most of the time you will fail miserably.

“Oh let’s go back to the start, running in circles, coming up tails, heads on a science apart”