Twisted Logic

 

Sunlight, opened up my eyes
To see for the first time
You’ll open them up
And tonight, rivers will run dry
And not for the first time
Rivers will run

Hundreds of years in the future
It could be computers
Looking for life on earth

Don’t fight for the wrong side
Say what you feel like
Say how you feel

You’ll go backwards, but then
You’ll go forwards again
You’ll go backwards, but then
You’ll go

Created, then drilled and invaded
If somebody made it
Someone will mess it up

And you are not wrong to
Ask who does this belong to
It belongs to all of us

You’ll go backwards, but then
You’ll go forwards again
You’ll go backwards, but then
you’ll go forwards

You’ll go backwards, but then
you’ll go forwards again
You’ll go forwards again
You’ll go forwards

-Coldplay

Could

I’m so happy. I could literally eat a diet of rainbows and butterflies that I’m so happy. I love him, and I’m pretty sure he loves me. Sometimes I look at him and think how I could be so lucky. He’s so wonderful to me, and I’m a much better person because of him. Then I got to thinking the other day, if he got down on one knee and purposed tomorrow, what would you say? I didn’t even have to think about it. Yes. It’s hard to believe that my whole life I’ve tried to imagine who be at the opposite end of the aisle when I’m dressed a white gown about to meet forever, but that day has finally come. It came out of nowhere, just like everyone said would happen. He was my first boyfriend, first kiss, and hopefully my last. I can’t just see the wedding, but the happy ever after. It’s somewhat scary knowing how attached I get and knowing that I love people like there’s no tomorrow, but I think this is it. It’s gotta be from the way I feel. The way I miss him after only hours of seeing him. The way he makes me smile so much I want to cry tears of  joy. It’s different than before. It’s not just an I don’t know, it’s a gosh I really hope so. I want to meet his family, and have children with him, and grow old with him, a concept of which I am now not shunning because I know growing old with him would only bring more happiness.

It’s different than before. It’s like this white knight disguised as my best friend came in, changed my world, and decided to love me. We didn’t plan this, believe me. We talked at great lengths about not dating, not falling in love, and no future. And then it happened and sooner or later we spend all our time together and don’t get sick of it. He encourages me to spend more time with my family. He’s good to my friends.

I’ve never been loved like this before. I’ve never been this happy before, but I’m so grateful that I am. God is good, because even though I’m not, he’s given me all I can ask for and more. I’m in love, I have  amazing friends, I’m working on myself and trying to improve my life, and it’s all coming together. All this to say, I think I finally found the one. FOR REAL this time. And he was totally worth the wait.

“Could you be the one for me
Could we dance the night away
I wanna give you everything
Though I don’t have much
Could you fall in love with me
Could you love me the rest of my life
Could you forever be
The one for me, this time “

-Brian McKnight

The Trouble with Love Is

Ok so I’m in love. And this time, he loves me back. What started as just a friendship quickly snowballed into a fully functioning relationship. He said he wouldn’t ever date me again, but now he wants to run away to Europe with me. And while I am so happy, its finally setting in that I’m so scared.
It’s a me thing, not the relationship. Hes so good to me. But I have trouble believing that I can be this happy without something bad happening. In my last relationship, I ran at every good turn, but there were a lot of other things that didn’t fit either. This time I don’t want to run, I want to be with him and tell the world about how wonderful he is, but I can’t wrap my head around the fact that someone who is fully functional and actually mature can love me too. It makes me wonder, do I really love me? I’m not sure I can answer that. I’ve always controlled things and tried to fix people and take care of them mostly to make myself feel like I deserve them. But that’s so messed up! Externally I’m probably a great girl that isn’t bad looking, but inside I don’t see any of that. I’m not confident, I’m not self assured and I’ve never been that way. It’s something I definitely have to work on because I’m officially loved and the thought of I love you terrifies me more than makes me smile. Instead of looking to forever, I’m looking for the end. I can’t see the end, I can’t control the end, and if there is no end I don’t know how to manipulate that. I didnt for this to even happen so it’s like Ive completely relinquished the old me which makes me feel like I’m stepping into a danger zone. So I guess the issue is control because if I didn’t cause the happy, I don’t know how to keep the happy. I think me not being in control is the normal way to do things, but I don’t know normal. All I know is that I love him and I want to be ok with being loved too. Until I love me though, I won’t fully accept love. It’s a work in progress, but I’m determined to improve me so there’s no trouble with love

You Found Me

So much to write about tonight. Through the exhaustion, the drama and the tears, I found God tonight. But let me back up and explain.

This year, 2011, has royally sucked. I have lost so much. I lost the entity that is mom and dad through a vile thing called divorce, I lost a guy I loved even though it needed to end, I lost part of myself, I lost time, I lost friends. It was a shitty year to say the least and it has kicked my ass over and over and over because I refuse to be knocked down. But in all that loss, I gained so much more.

First, I gained a sense of myself. In this counseling masters’ program I gained the sense of knowing who I am and when I need to tweak and improve who I am in order to continue to thrive. I may analyze myself and others way too much, but I understand myself which is something a lot of people don’t have or choose to ignore. For that, I am grateful, because every time I thought I wasn’t able to carry on with one more crisis, I could see me through it all and find what needed to be uncovered to follow through.

Second, I’m a rescuer. I want to fix anything and anyone that comes my way. It’s the counselor in me. It’s also the control freak in me because I just want everything to be okay all the time. But I’m starting to realize that I can’t fix everyone. In fact, most of my friends see that I’m trying to fix the situations or them well before I do and they stop me. Not because they don’t want my help or friendship, but because they know that even if they fall, they need to do it themselves but can still count on me to be there. I’ve reached my friendship rescuing limit. I thought I reached it in college but I know it’s final this time. I refuse to choose people who manipulate, control, or compete with me in any way anymore. I am not in a friendship to fix people, I’m in it to enjoy like-minded individuals that can stand with me on their own two feet.

That brings me to my third gain. I have started to hand pick friends that I get what I give in the friendship. For so long, I thought there was a giver and a getter. But as I gain better friends and people who genuinely care and check on me because they think of me, I start t understand that I deserve the same loyalty and respect that I give to others. In all the drama of 2011, I have gained about six solid friends that I could not have done without this year. These friends are honest to a fault, but loving to the core and I would do anything for them. Someone once told me that if all your friends could make it on your emergency call list because you could call anyone of them in case of emergency, then they are worth the friendship. I love all of them and I’m so blessed that I finally stopped selling myself short and realize that I’m worth having good friends. (Ironically, as I write this, three friends just texted me to see how my week is going.)

Next, I’m capable of love. For so long I made the excuse that I didn’t like commitment and I ran at the word. But now, regardless of the situation I’m currently in, I can find a man who makes me happy and I can find someone who I could say yes to or just simply love in the bounds of a relationship. It can happen, and I finally gained the acceptance of love and gained the ability to commit.

And finally, I gained God. At the beginning of the year, I told God to leave me alone because shittier stuff seemed to happen when He hung around. I’ve run from God before, but not for a whole year. This whole year, despite some church attendance, I managed to throw the middle finger up at religion and fly solo. I acknowledged God, but He was told not to associate with me. I was mad and hurt, but that all changed tonight. Tonight I cried over something I thought I would never face. And without going into it, I started to pray. I haven’t prayed for a year except to beg that I wouldn’t fail a final. But even through all the crap of this year, no matter how down I got, tonight got me to pray. I was tired and exhausted at going in circles and being exhausted and I finally asked God what to do. And I think His answer was to call my mom. Funny enough, my mom gave me the perfect answer. And I stopped crying. And I stopped hurting. It was like all the potential pain went away and He knew that my mom would be the one to help make it better. At the end of my rope, He was there and I just couldn’t deny it anymore. He finally got to me. All that tapping wasn’t that necessary because I came tapping at His door this time. I’m done running. I want to go home now.

So in spite of the muggiest year ever, I made it. Almost December and I’m finally home. He found me. I found me. My friends found me. Love found me. So I can rest now with the fact that I. Am. Found.

“Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me”

Runaway Baby

Let me get on my bragging soap box for a second…

I have a boy. Yes, the same boy in my last blog that I cried buckets and tears over. But things got better and it’s so much more than I could ask for. BUT  I tell you….he’s got my head in a serious tizzy. I was cold, he gives me his jacket. I needed a tank top, he gave me his wifebeater. He says something, I give him a mad look, and he kisses me on my cheek. I’m melting at everything he does and says and the way he looks at me! It’s ridiculous the way he makes me feel and the way I smile when I’m around him. I’m a totally different person than I am with anyone else. I’ve never been more honest, comfortable, and happy with anyone. One way of putting it..I’m smitten. It’s everything I ever wanted that slapped me in the face and I never saw it coming. Just like everyone has ever said to me.

The best part about this whole thing is knowing the difference between right and less than perfect fit. Never have I wanted to communicate and be honest about how I feel when I feel with the person I’m with. Mostly because I hate rocking the boat and making that person think I’m insane. However, now I say it when I feel it, which makes it ten times better because he’s honest too. Last year, at three months, I was running for the hills. I wanted out because the person that I was with made me unsure about the future. Now, at three unofficial months, I’m more comfortable with where we are. It’s so strange and should be scary, but it’s not. If it crashes and burns at this point, yes, I will feel like someone is ripping out my insides, but I’m not scared about the future. I know what I want and that’s to be with him. And he makes me smile more than anything in my life right now which means I finally found happiness. With someone.

So this is titled what it is because typically I would run and find reasons to freak out and not be with someone that makes me smile. But it’s different and beautiful and happy. And I’m not going anywhere.

 

Broken Hearted Girl

I feel like someone just stabbed with a knife. It’s over. We’re done. After I blogged last night I realized that I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t hold it in, act weird, want him so badly that it pained me to think about him being with someone else. I needed it to be over because I think it hurt just as much to be with him and him not love me than to be without him and him still not love me.

He was my best friend. Does this sound familiar? I think this time it’s worse because he’s ten times the man of anyone I’ve dated before, so yes, I actually would want to commit to him. I can’t help but replay all the good times we had. He made me smile more than anyone I’ve ever been around. And now I just cry. I can’t smile, and I can’t even fake it. He made my day when he would text me from the moment he woke up to the moment he went to sleep. I loved every minute he was around and I’m dying now that he won’t be around anymore.

It’s no one’s fault but my own. I really thought I wouldn’t fall for him, but I did. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when the old man at the game kept asking how long we’d been dating and how we were cute together and he played along with it. I couldn’t help but wonder if that were ever a possibility. I’m a good person. I’m smart, funny, and most of all we go so well together. But he doesn’t want that, and I do. So I still broke the rules and liked him anyway, and now I’m screwed, left alone, angry at myself, and so sad.

Not only did I lose my mind, but I lost my really good friend who I could talk to all the time about anything and he’d be there. Now who do I talk to? I’m once again alone, but the difference between the last breakup and this one is that I don’t want anyone else. I’m not so fed up that I just want some other random guy to pay me attention. I just want him to want me. That’s too much to ask? I guess so.

He has my key, but I don’t want it back. He bought me a sandwich for lunch, but I don’t know if I can eat it. If I could erase everything from the last two months so I wouldn’t hurt, I would. Mostly because there was nothing bad, and I loved every minute of every day of my life since he came into it. So what do I do? Because I’m sitting here, uncontrollably crying at the thought of never being able to muster up the strength to talk to him again. I broke my own heart, so I guess I will have to deal with what I did. Either way, with or without him, I died a little inside knowing that it will never be me.

So much for lasting six more weeks, I didn’t even last six hours. So bring on the tears and the pain, because I dealt myself a hand of cards I can’t trade out.

“I don’t wanna be without you babe
I don’t want a broken heart
Don’t wanna take a breath without you babe
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t wanna love you
In no kind of way, no no
I don’t want a broken heart
I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl”

And I’m Telling You I’m Not Going

He’s leaving in six weeks. We joke around about it, but I really do like him and maybe even love him. He’s wonderful and he’s been good to me and we have so much fun together. But that’s it; we’re just friends. The problem is that this happens to me a lot and I’m not sure how to fix it. I’m friends with a guy, I like a guy, he doesn’t like me back. Unfortunately, he’s one of my best friends and knows a lot about me and I’ don’t want to be alone or start all over.

When he leaves, I think that’s it for us. I’m not sure where the friendship will be after this and part of me wants it to end now so I can be in control of it. I don’t like it, and I don’t like the fact that he’s going away with the full intention of finding someone. Why not me? Why can’t you take everything you love about me and actually love me? I won’t get it, and maybe I’m not supposed to.

Secretly, I hope he gets there and finds himself missing what we had. I hope he meets a girl and she’s a crazy bitch and he compares her to me. But, at the same time, I just want him to be happy and if that means letting him go, then I will have to be okay with that.

Ultimately, it is what it is. I knew it was coming all along, but now that it’s here it’s harder than I thought. I will have to lose another friend to feelings and distance. Somewhere along the way I started to love him and I don’t know how it got lost in translation. We are good together, but I guess that’s not the point. He will leave and move on, and I will attempt to. Lord knows I need a good man to be around and take care of me. I want to fight for this but I already know it will backfire, so for now, I will enjoy the next six weeks and then say goodbye.

But if I were brave, this is what I would say:

“And I am telling you
I’m not going
You’re the best man I’ll ever know

There’s no way I can ever go
No, no, there’s no way
No, no, no, no way I’m living without you
I’m not living without you
I don’t wanna be free
I’m staying
I’m staying
And you, and you
You’re gonna love me, oh ooh mm mm
You’re gonna love me”

Haunted

I woke up this morning haunted by a nightmare. He was in it. I was in this class and he was there too, but it wasn’t something he normally would go to. His best friend was there and his face when he saw me was unbearable. He looked like a boulder had hit his face at full force. He didn’t look the same, he looked like shit because of what I had done. Then he found out I had “moved on” and was even more destroyed. I tried to stay away but all I wanted to do was make it better. And I didn’t. And I can’t.

Subconsciously, I feel so guilty for the pain I inflicted on another human being. And after six months, to this day actually, I feel like my moving on without him is another twist of the knife. I haven’t seen or heard from him in over six months. Half a year without the person that used to be my best friend. It’s been a hell of a year, good and bad, and I can’t say what or how I would do it differently. I do know that I would have changed the words I said and the actions I made that day in April.

Hockey was on tonight and I thought of him. Mumford and Sons came on and I missed him. Our John Mayer song played and I cried. It’s all I can do to not want to track him down and beg for forgiveness. Not to have him back, but to absolve my guilt. That would be too easy.

So six months later, I’m still dreaming. And I’m still haunted because at every turn I wonder how long it will take to make it right.

 

You,

I know you don’t read this, but I’m sorry. I never wanted it to come to this where six months later I lost the good with the bad.

 

“Come on, come on, don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something’s gone terribly wrong
You’re all I wanted

Come on, come on, don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can’t breathe whenever you’re gone
Can’t turn back now, I’m haunted”

-Taylor Swift

 

 

Last Kiss

I still remember the look on your face
Lit through the darkness at 1:58
The words that you whispered
For just us to know
Told me you loved me
So why did you go away?
Away

I do recall now the smell of the rain
Fresh on the pavement
I ran off the plane
That July 9th
The beat of your heart
It jumps through your shirt
I can still feel your arms

But now I’ll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is that
I don’t know how to be something you miss
I never thought we’d have a last kiss
Never imagined we’d end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips

I do remember
The swing of your step
The life of the party, you’re showing off again
And I roll my eyes and then
You pull me in
I’m not much for dancing
But for you I did

Because I love your handshake, meeting my father
I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets
How you kissed me when I was in the middle of saying something
There’s not a day when I don’t miss those rude interruptions

But now I’ll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is that
I don’t know how to be something you miss
Never thought we’d have a last kiss
Never imagined we’d end like this

Your name, forever the name on my lips

So I’ll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe
And I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it’s nice where you are

And I hope the sun shines
And it’s a beautiful day
And something reminds you
You wish you had stayed
You can plan for a change in weather and time
But I never planned on you changing your mind

So I’ll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is that
I don’t know how to be something you miss
Never thought we’d have a last kiss
Never imagined we’d end like this

Your name, forever the name on my lips
Just like our last kiss
Forever the name on my lips
Forever the name on my lips

Just like our last

Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift

Tonight I went to the Taylor Swift concert which has to have been the best concert I’ve seen in 2011 (John Mayer is the best concert of all). Taylor sang every song from her album including five other great songs just for the heck of it. She wasn’t worried about time, but she cared enough to put on a show. Every sang almost brought me to tears because she sang the words of the stories I’ve experienced. Most if not all songs have a boy’s name attached to it for me.

Austin:

“Last Kiss”

“Back to December”

Jacob:

“Dear John”

“Haunted”

“You’re not sorry”

PJ:

“Fifteen”

People (who will not be named at this time):

“You belong with me”

“Sparks Fly”

Men who never had a name:

“Enchanted”

Before these songs were written, there was still a story being developed. And while some of these songs express the pain or happiness that I am still experiencing, they are truly needed. Taylor said it best tonight when she mentioned that sometimes when we are falling in love or losing it, is when we need music the most.

I wish some of these songs had an ending in real life. I guess that’s the mystery of music…