You Found Me

So much to write about tonight. Through the exhaustion, the drama and the tears, I found God tonight. But let me back up and explain.

This year, 2011, has royally sucked. I have lost so much. I lost the entity that is mom and dad through a vile thing called divorce, I lost a guy I loved even though it needed to end, I lost part of myself, I lost time, I lost friends. It was a shitty year to say the least and it has kicked my ass over and over and over because I refuse to be knocked down. But in all that loss, I gained so much more.

First, I gained a sense of myself. In this counseling masters’ program I gained the sense of knowing who I am and when I need to tweak and improve who I am in order to continue to thrive. I may analyze myself and others way too much, but I understand myself which is something a lot of people don’t have or choose to ignore. For that, I am grateful, because every time I thought I wasn’t able to carry on with one more crisis, I could see me through it all and find what needed to be uncovered to follow through.

Second, I’m a rescuer. I want to fix anything and anyone that comes my way. It’s the counselor in me. It’s also the control freak in me because I just want everything to be okay all the time. But I’m starting to realize that I can’t fix everyone. In fact, most of my friends see that I’m trying to fix the situations or them well before I do and they stop me. Not because they don’t want my help or friendship, but because they know that even if they fall, they need to do it themselves but can still count on me to be there. I’ve reached my friendship rescuing limit. I thought I reached it in college but I know it’s final this time. I refuse to choose people who manipulate, control, or compete with me in any way anymore. I am not in a friendship to fix people, I’m in it to enjoy like-minded individuals that can stand with me on their own two feet.

That brings me to my third gain. I have started to hand pick friends that I get what I give in the friendship. For so long, I thought there was a giver and a getter. But as I gain better friends and people who genuinely care and check on me because they think of me, I start t understand that I deserve the same loyalty and respect that I give to others. In all the drama of 2011, I have gained about six solid friends that I could not have done without this year. These friends are honest to a fault, but loving to the core and I would do anything for them. Someone once told me that if all your friends could make it on your emergency call list because you could call anyone of them in case of emergency, then they are worth the friendship. I love all of them and I’m so blessed that I finally stopped selling myself short and realize that I’m worth having good friends. (Ironically, as I write this, three friends just texted me to see how my week is going.)

Next, I’m capable of love. For so long I made the excuse that I didn’t like commitment and I ran at the word. But now, regardless of the situation I’m currently in, I can find a man who makes me happy and I can find someone who I could say yes to or just simply love in the bounds of a relationship. It can happen, and I finally gained the acceptance of love and gained the ability to commit.

And finally, I gained God. At the beginning of the year, I told God to leave me alone because shittier stuff seemed to happen when He hung around. I’ve run from God before, but not for a whole year. This whole year, despite some church attendance, I managed to throw the middle finger up at religion and fly solo. I acknowledged God, but He was told not to associate with me. I was mad and hurt, but that all changed tonight. Tonight I cried over something I thought I would never face. And without going into it, I started to pray. I haven’t prayed for a year except to beg that I wouldn’t fail a final. But even through all the crap of this year, no matter how down I got, tonight got me to pray. I was tired and exhausted at going in circles and being exhausted and I finally asked God what to do. And I think His answer was to call my mom. Funny enough, my mom gave me the perfect answer. And I stopped crying. And I stopped hurting. It was like all the potential pain went away and He knew that my mom would be the one to help make it better. At the end of my rope, He was there and I just couldn’t deny it anymore. He finally got to me. All that tapping wasn’t that necessary because I came tapping at His door this time. I’m done running. I want to go home now.

So in spite of the muggiest year ever, I made it. Almost December and I’m finally home. He found me. I found me. My friends found me. Love found me. So I can rest now with the fact that I. Am. Found.

“Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me”