Twisted Logic

 

Sunlight, opened up my eyes
To see for the first time
You’ll open them up
And tonight, rivers will run dry
And not for the first time
Rivers will run

Hundreds of years in the future
It could be computers
Looking for life on earth

Don’t fight for the wrong side
Say what you feel like
Say how you feel

You’ll go backwards, but then
You’ll go forwards again
You’ll go backwards, but then
You’ll go

Created, then drilled and invaded
If somebody made it
Someone will mess it up

And you are not wrong to
Ask who does this belong to
It belongs to all of us

You’ll go backwards, but then
You’ll go forwards again
You’ll go backwards, but then
you’ll go forwards

You’ll go backwards, but then
you’ll go forwards again
You’ll go forwards again
You’ll go forwards

-Coldplay

Could

I’m so happy. I could literally eat a diet of rainbows and butterflies that I’m so happy. I love him, and I’m pretty sure he loves me. Sometimes I look at him and think how I could be so lucky. He’s so wonderful to me, and I’m a much better person because of him. Then I got to thinking the other day, if he got down on one knee and purposed tomorrow, what would you say? I didn’t even have to think about it. Yes. It’s hard to believe that my whole life I’ve tried to imagine who be at the opposite end of the aisle when I’m dressed a white gown about to meet forever, but that day has finally come. It came out of nowhere, just like everyone said would happen. He was my first boyfriend, first kiss, and hopefully my last. I can’t just see the wedding, but the happy ever after. It’s somewhat scary knowing how attached I get and knowing that I love people like there’s no tomorrow, but I think this is it. It’s gotta be from the way I feel. The way I miss him after only hours of seeing him. The way he makes me smile so much I want to cry tears of  joy. It’s different than before. It’s not just an I don’t know, it’s a gosh I really hope so. I want to meet his family, and have children with him, and grow old with him, a concept of which I am now not shunning because I know growing old with him would only bring more happiness.

It’s different than before. It’s like this white knight disguised as my best friend came in, changed my world, and decided to love me. We didn’t plan this, believe me. We talked at great lengths about not dating, not falling in love, and no future. And then it happened and sooner or later we spend all our time together and don’t get sick of it. He encourages me to spend more time with my family. He’s good to my friends.

I’ve never been loved like this before. I’ve never been this happy before, but I’m so grateful that I am. God is good, because even though I’m not, he’s given me all I can ask for and more. I’m in love, I have  amazing friends, I’m working on myself and trying to improve my life, and it’s all coming together. All this to say, I think I finally found the one. FOR REAL this time. And he was totally worth the wait.

“Could you be the one for me
Could we dance the night away
I wanna give you everything
Though I don’t have much
Could you fall in love with me
Could you love me the rest of my life
Could you forever be
The one for me, this time “

-Brian McKnight

The Trouble with Love Is

Ok so I’m in love. And this time, he loves me back. What started as just a friendship quickly snowballed into a fully functioning relationship. He said he wouldn’t ever date me again, but now he wants to run away to Europe with me. And while I am so happy, its finally setting in that I’m so scared.
It’s a me thing, not the relationship. Hes so good to me. But I have trouble believing that I can be this happy without something bad happening. In my last relationship, I ran at every good turn, but there were a lot of other things that didn’t fit either. This time I don’t want to run, I want to be with him and tell the world about how wonderful he is, but I can’t wrap my head around the fact that someone who is fully functional and actually mature can love me too. It makes me wonder, do I really love me? I’m not sure I can answer that. I’ve always controlled things and tried to fix people and take care of them mostly to make myself feel like I deserve them. But that’s so messed up! Externally I’m probably a great girl that isn’t bad looking, but inside I don’t see any of that. I’m not confident, I’m not self assured and I’ve never been that way. It’s something I definitely have to work on because I’m officially loved and the thought of I love you terrifies me more than makes me smile. Instead of looking to forever, I’m looking for the end. I can’t see the end, I can’t control the end, and if there is no end I don’t know how to manipulate that. I didnt for this to even happen so it’s like Ive completely relinquished the old me which makes me feel like I’m stepping into a danger zone. So I guess the issue is control because if I didn’t cause the happy, I don’t know how to keep the happy. I think me not being in control is the normal way to do things, but I don’t know normal. All I know is that I love him and I want to be ok with being loved too. Until I love me though, I won’t fully accept love. It’s a work in progress, but I’m determined to improve me so there’s no trouble with love