The Trouble with Love Is

Ok so I’m in love. And this time, he loves me back. What started as just a friendship quickly snowballed into a fully functioning relationship. He said he wouldn’t ever date me again, but now he wants to run away to Europe with me. And while I am so happy, its finally setting in that I’m so scared.
It’s a me thing, not the relationship. Hes so good to me. But I have trouble believing that I can be this happy without something bad happening. In my last relationship, I ran at every good turn, but there were a lot of other things that didn’t fit either. This time I don’t want to run, I want to be with him and tell the world about how wonderful he is, but I can’t wrap my head around the fact that someone who is fully functional and actually mature can love me too. It makes me wonder, do I really love me? I’m not sure I can answer that. I’ve always controlled things and tried to fix people and take care of them mostly to make myself feel like I deserve them. But that’s so messed up! Externally I’m probably a great girl that isn’t bad looking, but inside I don’t see any of that. I’m not confident, I’m not self assured and I’ve never been that way. It’s something I definitely have to work on because I’m officially loved and the thought of I love you terrifies me more than makes me smile. Instead of looking to forever, I’m looking for the end. I can’t see the end, I can’t control the end, and if there is no end I don’t know how to manipulate that. I didnt for this to even happen so it’s like Ive completely relinquished the old me which makes me feel like I’m stepping into a danger zone. So I guess the issue is control because if I didn’t cause the happy, I don’t know how to keep the happy. I think me not being in control is the normal way to do things, but I don’t know normal. All I know is that I love him and I want to be ok with being loved too. Until I love me though, I won’t fully accept love. It’s a work in progress, but I’m determined to improve me so there’s no trouble with love

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